The "Alien" Franchise, Surmised: Alien 3 Still Sucks, Alien Is Still The Best One, And Romulus Is Actually Pretty Good
Stop this revisionist history
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With the release of Alien: Romulus, the discourse of which Alien movie reigns supreme resurfaced like a chest-bursting alien waiting for the most opportune (or in-opportune) moment to rise.
Honestly, I see it all as a pretty straightforward affair - the first movie is still the best one, the prequels were surprisingly fun, and the back-half of the original films absolutely don’t live up to the same quality bar the first two set. Just to get it out of the way, my list (pre-Romulus viewing) is:
Alien
Prometheus
Aliens
Alien: Covenant
Alien 3
Alien Resurrection
I don’t think this list is anything controversial. In fact I thought this was the most vanilla version of this list that could exist. Now I respect that everyone can have their own opinion - we all have assholes - but I was genuinely surprised to see so many people spout the revisionist history that Alien 3 is being “well actually-d” as a film that is good. ‘It was just misunderstood by critics and audiences at the time’ - that’s at least what the internet would have me believe.
Rather than explain everything in a big long essay, I’m going to do a nice SEO friendly listicle, not for the search optimization but because I think the formatting is actually called for here.
Also, spoilers for the whole franchise, but beyond Romulus they’re all old movies so just go watch them if you haven’t and come back. And I guess a trigger warning, for mentions of SA, though if you’ve seen the Alien movies you’ll probably be able to guess why that’s discussed.
7. Alien Resurrection
Just a bad movie, front to back. It almost goes full circle to the point where it’s so bad that it’s fun to watch, but those moments are too few and far between to actually make it worth watching.
Ripley’s return feels ruinous to the character and how her story actually ended, and the rest of the cast are forgettable and unlikable.
When I re-watched this as part of the lead up to seeing Romulus I was actually surprised with just how boring the whole thing is. When you can’t find anything to root for and the whole setting just falls flat, not even the interesting additions made to the lore of this cinematic universe can turn the tide.
It is objectively interesting to try and bring in the conversation around why should one conscious life be given value over another. I don’t mind that the movie tries to make me sympathize with the cross-bred human/alien that ends up being sucked into space through a straw-sized hole by having Ripley look into its eyes. It’s scared and confused, and it does make the creature sympathetic. But it cannot save what is an otherwise mountain of shit movie.
6. Alien 3
This is possibly the worst revisionist history I’ve seen on the internet, and the catalyst for me writing out this list, frankly. I’m not trying to be rude but if Alien 3 isn’t at or near the bottom of your ranking for these films, then I think you’re confused as to what good movies look like.
Firstly, it unravels the ending of Aliens in perhaps the dumbest and most annoying way. You’d be hard-pressed to find a more “Well, we wanted to make a new one and make some money”-type of reason for how this third movie begins, and why things aren’t hunky-dory from the end of its predecessor. I get that this is a horror series and in horror, there’s always gotta be a way for the villain or creature or whatever to come back, but it didn’t have to be as dumb as it was. If anything, Alien 3 gets credit for the fact that it existed, and continued the series forward so that another shit movie could be made. Then years later, three much better movies got made, which is ultimately a net-positive.
The other good thing Alien 3 does is give Ripley a great ending. It’s just undeniably cool, to give capitalism a big “Fuck you” by diving head-first into lava, holding an alien that’s just popped out of her chest. She died doing what she could to eradicate the aliens so that selfish people who want to try and control them can’t make the mistake of thinking that could ever work.
Lastly I’ll grant that the setting, as in the look of it, shook things up for the series since it wasn’t entirely in something that looked like a ship. The rest of the setting though, as in the colony of criminals who had supposedly found religion just falls so, so flat. Emphatic performances cannot undo the fact that it adds no additional layer of theming or messaging to have Ripley trapped in a place where every living thing (people and aliens) are a threat to her, whether that’s regular violence or sexual violence.
The face-huggers are already enough of a metaphor. What good does it do to an audience to have a metaphor smashed over their heads with a hammer each time one of the criminals gives Ripley a dirty look, or shouts out that she’s parading around and tempting all of them to ‘sin again’?
Subtly is not one of Alien 3’s strong suits, to say the least, and because it does nothing interesting with its side characters, is poorly written and serves more good for just existing rather than being a good movie, it is one of the worst films in this franchise.
Plus a dog dies, and that’s just unacceptable.
5. Alien: Covenant
The first of the prequels to hit the list, and the first movie on this list that is only as low as it is not because it is a bad movie. Covenant is at least a good movie, it’s just the least good of the rest of them.
Alien 3 and Alien: Resurrection is a matter of which is more shit. Being good but just the worst of the good bunch is a very different thing. If anything, it appears as low as it does mainly for the stupidity displayed by the characters, and how some of the ways Covenant breaks tradition don’t work out.
Some of them though, work out brilliantly. Michael Fassbender’s performance as David in Prometheus was incredible, and it’s arguable that the film’s best scenes are when Walter and David are acting opposite each other.
It also raises the stakes in a more interesting way by having an entire colony’s worth of people for the crew to defend, and by having most of the crew members be part of a romantic pairing. Thankfully for Covenant, the crew were also, overall, a likeable bunch. They were also pretty damn stupid once the actual captain burned alive in his cryosleep pod.
I’m sorry, but what the hell happened to the goddamn suits that are in every other film? Who thought it was a good idea to go down to any brand new planet, not even the one that they researched for years, without a helmet on? It’s another break in tradition, sure, but it’s also just so stupid. It just ruins it for me, that all it takes is walking around the planet. Even if the little particles that made the first person sick and began the domino effect got to them through a suit, I’d appreciate that because at least they tried.
Wearing a hat and some hiking gear on an entirely new planet displays a kind of stupid confidence that only humans are capable of. I know I’ve essentially come around to the point of it, especially since while the first soldier is infected, he’s polluting what they’re all under the impression will be their new home planet. An immaculate level of ignorance, really. I just can’t get over the no-suits thing.
4. Aliens
Maybe this is much lower down in the list than a lot of people would have it, but this isn’t their list. I don’t dislike Aliens. Like I said with Covenant, from here on out we’re only discussing good movies.
It’s a classic action movie, it ups-the-ante and puts a shot of adrenaline into the series after a very slow-paced introduction with the first film. The titling couldn’t be more on the nose, because there are in fact multiple aliens in this one. Lots of multiples, even.
I know I just praised Covenant’s cast of characters but the cast in Aliens is what carries the movie more than the action. These misfit soldiers and their own stupid confidences are just more fun to see in action, especially because they are able to kill more than a few Xenomorphs. Not that it does most of them any good in the end seeing as how, for the most part, they all die.
It does the audience good though that they last as long as they do, if only for some of the most iconic line deliveries in cinema that remain funny.
Newt is another welcome addition, because Ripley now has so much more to fight for. Of course she’s the one person that Ripley truly does love by the end of the film, not Hicks, but if you’re a romantic (like me) you can imagine an alternate future sans Aliens 3 where she learns to love Hicks as well, and the three of them ride off into the sunset.
Though I’d also settle for Ripley, Newt and Bishop living a peaceful life too. Hicks can go home.
Regardless of who completes the triangle (or square), these personal connections raise the stakes for Ripley beyond her own survival and it makes the ending hit just that much harder, because both Ripley and the Queen are fighting for their families.
3. Prometheus
More than perhaps any other film in this franchise, the lead-up to Prometheus was filled with questions from fans. Questions we all excitedly asked of it, because it promised answers.
Ridley Scott was also back, and that alone was cause for excitement. On top of that, it was set years before the events of the first film. On top of that, it was supposed to answer the biggest questions fans had about the series. Lore expectations were high, and as the first movie in the franchise for a long time, it needed to hit.
Which it does, in a remarkable way. Michael Fassbender stuns as David, and Noomi Rapace as Elizabeth Shaw was the spark the franchise needed. It’s the one film without a Xenomorph (up until the end) and I never really missed it. To be fair there were other alien threats, but rather than standing on being a good horror movie, Prometheus is just a good movie that happens to tie in with the Alien franchise.
Excellent performances, solid writing, and cool lore dumps, even if it doesn’t answer all the questions fans wanted it to at the time. It’s a good movie, and one I still enjoy re-watching today.
2. Alien: Romulus
And here’s the big one. Alien: Romulus, the latest to enter the franchise shoots up to second place because it takes the best parts of the best films. The most from Alien. A bit from Aliens. Continues narrative beats founded in both Prometheus and Alien: Covenant. Even improves on a thread Resurrection began. Then on top of it all, it’s a damn good horror movie.
The young cast are brilliant, and director Fede Alvarez is right that horror works better with younger actors. Their struggle is simply more sympathetic, a reality that makes the accomplishments of the first film loom even larger.
It’s pacing, like any good horror movie (or any movie really) is the thing that drives everything else home. From one scene to the next, everything that happens informs what’ll happen next. There’s a connective throughline in the order of events that just makes sense, leading to extremely tense and entertaining moments.
The only real blunder the film makes, is Ian Holm’s appearance. I understand how it makes sense because of where Romulus is set in the Alien timeline, but there was a better way to do it than some awful CGI. Build a proper prosthetic, and since the thing was quite literally torn to pieces, add a line that he can’t move his mouth but will still talk. Hire a voice actor to be a sound-a-like, distort the talking in ways that apply technical failure on account of the aforementioned fact that the damn robot is falling apart!
This is what’s so annoying about it. I don’t think this idea is something they couldn’t have thought of. I’d actually be surprised if I were to ever learn that no one suggested this instead. Holm such an iconic face in the franchise, having him included at all was an impactful move, and something I’m not conceptually opposed to. But for what we got, I would rather my suggested alternative, or even just a totally different android. It didn’t need to be him, impactful as it was. It’s a big smudge on an otherwise great film.
1. Alien
Number one was never going to be anything else. A perfect film. Just go watch it.